TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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